McLean, VA — Cheney passed away at his home in Virginia surrounded by family, friends, and contract attorneys representing Satan who were on hand to claim his eternal soul.
Los Angeles, CA — A twelve-year-old has run afoul of the law after her online post was flagged as "a terroristic threat".
Stockholm, SE — The Alfred Nobel Foundation today announced the prestigious Nobel Prize will be conferred upon a Golden Retriever puppy named Biscuit. This late decision came after a left-over 2025 award was discovered between some couch cushions.
New York City, NY — George Santos has returned to his Long Island home in New York's 3rd Congressional District, which he represented in 2023 before being expelled from the House of Representatives.
Salem, MA — Each year local media feature lurid segments about tampering and recommend herding our children to parties instead of letting them wander door-to-door.
Washington, DC — U.S. President Donald Trump took to social media this morning to express his displeasure with how the Nobel Committee chose this year's recipient of its Peace Prize, claiming the results were skewed by "millions of illegal mail-in ballots."
London, UK — Tilly Norwood, widely considered the first algorithmically-generated internet influencer, has accused several IT company interns of generating adult content using her likeness without her consent.
Kyiv, UA — Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has announced the deployment of several of that country's top military advisors to Portland, Oregon, citing his deep concerns regarding American democracy. The move comes in response to President Trump’s promise to “restore order” to U.S. cities, which Zelenskyy described as “eerily familiar.”
Burbank, CA — Disney's American Broadcasting Company has announced the popular podcast Info Wars with Alex Jones will inherit the hour once held by Jimmy Kimmel Live. The decision to shelve Kimmel came in response to what FCC Chairman Brendan Carr called Kimmel's "truly sick" malicious lies.
Madison, WI — Carolyne Lactose, spokesmodel for the North American Dairy Council, says the group plans to make public the results of its investigation into allegations against its president.
Hershey, PA — For some residents, living in the factory's shadow leaves a bitter taste in their mouths.
Washington, DC — The debut of U.S. immigration's standard issue apparel, said to "harken back to simpler times," is being met with mixed reviews.
Baggypants Ranch, NC — The entire 2025 graduating class of a remote school for professional clowns was lost after being abandoned inside a clown car parked outside during record heat. The victims ranged in age from 23 to 67.
Mar-A-Lago, FL — At a weekend golf tournament afterparty celebrating the destruction of Iranian nuclear capabilities, President Trump took the opportunity to announce his "Buy Bonds" initiative reminiscent of similar campaigns at the start of World War II.
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