Dallas, TX — In a move that has left parents and students alike both bewildered and amused, the Dallas County School District announced this week the immediate ban of zucchinis and bananas from all school lunches.
The decision came after heated discussions centered on “protecting the innocence of our children,” according to board member and self-appointed produce guardian, Wanda Garbanzo.
At a raucous board meeting, Garbanzo passionately declared, “It’s not just about fruit and vegetables; it’s about keeping our schools safe from any suggestive connotations! You all know what I mean! Our student body should be free from such distractions to concentrate on their studies and, of course, the upcoming Youth Cornhole Competition tryouts.” This statement was met with a mix of laughter, applause, and confused glances from attendees.
The decision follows a series of reported incidents in which middle school students allegedly used cucumbers and bananas for comedic effect during lunch, leading to what school officials are now calling “The Great Fruit Fiasco of 2023.” One particularly notorious event involved a viral TikTok video where students pretended to “measure” their lunchboxes with a banana, resulting in widespread giggles and an unexpected surge in social media followers for the school’s cafeteria.
Parents were quick to express their bewilderment at the ban. “I can’t believe we’re here,” sighed local mother of three, Clara Cornfield. “Next thing you know, they’ll be banning carrots because they’re too pointy! What are we supposed to serve them—celery sticks in a fruit-free utopia?”
The board meeting also featured impassioned speeches from a group calling themselves the “Produce Protection Society,” who argued that banning zucchinis and bananas sends a dangerous message about food shapes. “It’s about inclusivity,” declared spokesperson Joe Melons. “Are we really saying that some fruits and veggies are too suggestive for our kids? What’s next? Are tomatoes next on the chopping block?”
In a surprising twist, the board proposed a series of “acceptable” replacements for the banned produce, including but not limited to: apples, oranges, and an official endorsement of kale, which board members dubbed “the safest green.” However, the recommendation quickly faced backlash from students who complained that kale was “the boring uncle of the vegetable family.”
Meanwhile, the new “No Zucchini, No Banana” policy has sparked a wave of underground fruit smuggling operations among students. In hushed whispers, high schoolers are reportedly trading banned produce in exchange for snacks, leading to an influx of banana-based slang in the hallways. “I’m telling you, I just traded two granola bars for a ripe banana,” boasted one savvy eighth-grader, who asked to remain anonymous. “I feel like I’m in some kind of fruity drug deal!”
The ban has not only drawn the attention of parents and students, but also of national media outlets, which have dubbed it the “Great Texas Produce Scandal.” Late-night talk show hosts have had a field day with the story, with one quipping, “In Texas, it seems the only thing more dangerous than a rattlesnake is a banana in a lunchbox!”
For now, the fate of zucchinis and bananas in Texas schools remains uncertain, but one thing is clear: as long as there are shapes and snacks, there will be debates about what’s appropriate for our children. And in a state known for its bold decisions, this one is definitely ripe for discussion.