Washington, D.C. — President-elect Donald Trump announced today that former legendary professional wrestler Hulk Hogan has been tapped for the "Secretary of Man Boobs" position in a move that experts are already calling “embarrassingly fitting” for a Trump administration full of spectacle and dysfunction. Hogan will take charge of the nation’s growing concerns over the ever-increasing epidemic of "Dad Bod" syndrome across America.
The announcement came at a chaotic rally in Sarasota, Florida, where Hogan looked more like a bag lady than the hulking icon of his glory days. Ripping off a t-shirt only to reveal another t-shirt underneath, the former wrestling star promised to "shake up the system" and "drop the people's elbow on mediocrity."
"Look, I've been in the ring with giants, I've faced the biggest and the baddest, but this—this is a challenge," said Hogan, his voice trembling slightly as he adjusted his oversized aviator sunglasses. “What's your flabby, droopy, embarrassing chests hanging like wet laundry gonna do when..." Hogan bellowed before pausing to catch his breath, then finished, "...Make America Buff Again, brother!"
The former wrestler’s nomination to head a department that doesn't yet exist is seen by many as emblematic of Trump’s deep affinity for television personalities who’ve long passed their prime, yet still somehow manage to cling for dear life to their former fame.
Despite all the criticism, Trump has shown nothing but confidence in his choice, posting on social media: "...the constant negative fake news media covfefe. Hulk is going to bring powerful strength to our country. More powerful perfect strength than anyone can even imagine..."