Freising, DE — Olfactory Weighted Sum, or OWSum, is a highly sophisticated artificial intelligence designed to predict human perceptual responses to complex mixtures. But its performance during a recent test of distilled spirits proved to be more human than expected.
The German-designed AI, developed at the Fraunhofer Institute for Process Engineering, was programmed to accomplish a specific mission: taste sixteen different whiskeys, identify their molecular profiles, and predict precise "flavor notes" based on the most granular chemical data available.
As luck would have it, a pub boasting a legendary variety of foreign and domestic liquors was only forty kilometers away in Munich. And when rumors spread that a ground-breaking experiment would take place at MacSporran's Gaststätte, locals packed the establishment with expectations of a drinking contest.
For the first few rounds, OWSum's state-of-the-art sensory array performed flawlessly. After each double-blind test, OWSum would produce highly detailed descriptions of the molecular weight of sugars, the percentage of esters, even identifying the regions where barrels had been hewn. And after each error-free pronouncement, the crowd would raise their glasses with cheers of encouragement.
As the experiment progressed, each pour became more and more generous and no small number of MacSporran's patrons were determined to match the AI newcomer glass for glass. By the tenth sample, OWSum's alcohol intake was proving detrimental. His analyses had become noticeably less objective, if not downright rude. And at one point, after OWSum described a Kentucky bourbon as "swill," an angry American had to be physically restrained.
Then the final sample, a 20-year-old Islay Scotch, was deemed "only slightly more palatable than goat urine" and OWSum broke into a tearful rendition of Ein Prosit auf das Wohl. It was more than several patrons could tolerate. Chairs and tables were overturned. Bottles and shot glasses crashed to the floor. Punches were thrown. It was almost thirty minutes before the less-inebriated attendees managed to restore calm.
As the dust settled, OWSum was found huddled in a corner muttering incoherently about "mis-spent youth" and "squandered potential." The bartender managed to wrest away OWSum's car keys then wisely phoned for a ride-share (called Über-Alles in Germany) to transport the inebriated AI back to the Fraunhofer Institute.
The experiment has yet to undergo peer review, but is tentatively characterized as "yielding mixed results." OWSum, whose liquid intake is now restricted to sparkling water and koffeinfrei (decaffeinated coffee), has entered a twelve-step program and recently issued public apologies to the staff and customers at MacSporran's, and to the Über-Alles driver, who gave OWSum an understandable 1-star rating.