New York City, NY — In an unprecedented move, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has declared himself the winner of Tuesday night's highly anticipated debate between former President Donald Trump and Vice President Kamala Harris in Philadelphia, citing what he calls “strategic non-participation” as his winning strategy.
As the debate unfolded, viewers were treated to a heated exchange between the two candidates, while Kennedy, in a rare move, took a leisurely stroll in Central Park, proclaiming to reporters afterward that he “didn’t need to get his hands dirty” to emerge victorious.
“I watched the debate from a safe distance, sipping herbal tea and listening to birds chirp, which I found far more enlightening than anything either candidate had to say,” Kennedy stated, gesturing grandly with a reusable water bottle. “While they were hurling insults and talking policy, I was reflecting on the virtues of nature—like the benefits of organic kale.”
Kennedy’s supporters have rallied behind his unconventional approach, launching a new hashtag campaign: #SilenceIsGolden2024. “It takes real courage to stand back and let the other two battle it out in a circus of rhetoric,” said one enthusiastic follower. “Plus, who doesn’t love a good walk in the park?”
When asked about future debates, Kennedy hinted at a potential strategy of “active non-engagement,” suggesting he might attend future events only to sit silently in the audience, dramatically nodding at all the wrong moments. “The key is to let the chaos unfold without my interference. It’s like watching reality television with a dead bear cub,” he explained.
For now, Kennedy’s camp has announced plans to host a “No-Show Town Hall” next week, where he will not discuss his views on everything from healthcare to the art of zen debate tactics, all while sitting quietly in a corner, perhaps surrounded by potted plants.