Washington, DC — According to a CIA report released Saturday, the emergence of Covid-19 most likely originated in a surgical mask factory in urban Wuhan, China. The report suggests that several factory workers shared a large order of biānfú rè chìbǎng (bat hotwings) during a lunch break and neglected to wash their hands before returning to their places at the mask-making equipment.
The easily-spread virus quickly contaminated the entire high-speed production line. Step by step, each phase of the precision mask forming process was saturated with the invisible killer. First it was the crimping, then the trimming, followed by the nose bridge fitting, and finally the earloop welding. No part of this now-iconic medical apparel remained sterilized.
Masks produced at the poorly-ventilate Wuhan factory, which were shipped globally, carried the virus to one destination after another. As mask shortages became more and more desperate, the factory frantically increased output to meet demand, inadvertently contributing the very epidemic they were meant to protect against.
The CIA revealed that a Chinese source leaked results of a 2022 government interrogation of mask factory workers. Their interrogation reportedly pieced together a complete picture of how the virus spread through the production line.
The CIA's report has rekindled debate about the exact circumstances surrounding the virus's origins. When asked for a statement, a Trump administration spokesperson responded, "We have a large National stockpile of Trump bleach, Trump light bulbs and Trump horse dewormer available for purchase on the White House website. I would refer you to the information already online."