McLean, VA — Dick "Shotgun" Cheney, who served as co-president with George W. Bush from 2001 to 2009, has passed away at his home in Virginia surrounded by family, friends, and contract attorneys representing Satan who were on hand to claim his eternal soul.
Cheney, who underwent a total of 13 heart transplants, all of which were rejected, spent the later years of his life meeting with psychics and spiritualists to try and discover the location of Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction. He was never able to prove their existence.
During his final bout with pneumonia and cardiac disease, Cheney promised his wife, Lynne, that he would communicate with her from beyond and return in physical form on October 31, 2026. If successful, it would be the first known reanimation of a politician since Mitch McConnell.