Washington, DC — An unexpected and still unexplained mystery has federal employees in every governmental department on edge. Office personnel are vanishing without warning and their workmates are at a loss to explain why or how.
Zack Hector, an analyst at Health and Human Services, described his experience. "It's like something out of The Twilight Zone. One minute I was talking to Janet in the next cubicle, then there was just silence. When I looked over the partition, she was gone and there was a mannequin standing there. It was wearing her sweater! It's freakin' me out, man!"
EPA Implementation Advisor Jessica Pidgin's experience was even more eerie. "I looked around the office and all the familiar faces were gone. Most of the mannequins left in the workstations weren't even complete—just torsos or heads. What is happening?"
Elsewhere, staffers are even being found replaced by ventriloquist dummies or blow-up dolls. And Herb Hemingway of Veterans Affairs reported, "I went to my supervisor's office to ask her why phones weren't getting answered, and the only thing left was a broom handle with a wig stuck on top. What the fuck?"
When questioned about these startling disappearances, FBI spokesperson H.J. Shylock responded, "I can't give any specific details about an ongoing investigation. But I want all government employees to rest assured we are actively looking into the cause." Agent Shylock added, "Meanwhile, I suggest they all remain calm but watchful. It's impossible to know who might be the next one to...