Salem, MA — The annual Trick or Treat tradition has been dampened by tales of twisted psychopaths doling out poisoned candy and razor-blade-filled apples to unsuspecting cherubs. Each year local media feature lurid segments about tampering and recommend herding our children to parties instead of letting them wander door-to-door.
But is there any rational basis for these warnings, or is it just the result of urban legend mixed with heightened national paranoia? Let's examine the facts:
Who can you trust?
No one. It is never a good idea to leave the well-being of your children to the mercy of strangers. You can never be sure whose doorbell your little one is ringing. It could be a house full of Antifa, illegal immigrants, deep state operatives, illuminati, trans athletes, or similarly unimaginable horrors.
Should you examine the treats under x-ray?
Definitely! Many communities offer to x-rays your kiddie's Halloween stash at no cost. A dangerous syringe can easily be concealed in a Twinkie, Butterfinger, Chick-O-Stick or Jolly Rancher. It is an unfortunate fact that most imported candies are produced in third-world countries with little or no sanitation enforcement. Many confectioners are located near medical waste dumps.
If possible, irradiate all fruit, cheese and baked goods - cookies, cupcakes, pies, etc. Another option is to microwave the goodies. Seven to nine minutes on the highest setting should do the trick. Deep-frying will also render most deadly contaminates inert, with the exception of Tylenol.
Chocolates and Mints:
One word: Ex-Lax. The odds are one-in-three that a "fun size" candy bar has been replaced with a powerful cathartic. It's almost impossible for the untrained eye to distinguish between a Milk Dud and a suppository.
It's common knowledge that green M&Ms are an aphrodisiac. Be sure to locate these and remove them from the package as soon as your child comes home. If you decide to store them, keep them away from teenagers.
Hard Candies:
Jawbreakers have a 36% likelihood to explode. (Why do you think they're called "jaw breakers"?) The long-lasting pleasure of enjoying this treat isn't worth the risk of permanent disfigurement.
Never eat a lollipop while driving. Hundreds of people are killed or injured each year when their car's airbag deploys, causing the lolly's deadly plastic rod to crush their esophagus.
Life Savers? The name alone should send a chill up the spine of any concerned parent.
Bubble Gum:
Not only does chewing gum promote tooth decay, it takes seven years to pass through the digestive system if swallowed. So your child will be in college before recovering from its ill-effects. Also keep in mind, Russian oligarchs control a monopoly on the gum arabic supply. When you chew gum, you're chewin' with Putin.
Misc Caveats:
Little "Mikey" of Life Cereal fame died after mixing Pop Rocks with Mountain Dew.
Some food colorants are made of ground-up insects and/or tropical bird droppings.
Is that sugar in those Pixie Stix, or rat poison?
So-called "licorice rope" poses a hanging hazard for toddlers. (It also has an unsettling resemblance to the Australia Black Python, the most venomous snake in the world.)
So keeping all these things in mind, we wish everyone a fun, safe and spoooooooky Halloween. (But whatever you do, stay away from Portland!)