Columbus, OH — Eighteen-year-old Austin Houston has filed a lawsuit against the major fossil fuel corporations, claiming a decade of "emotional and manual labor damages" for sorting various plastics that were falsely labeled as recyclables.
The lawsuit accuses them not only of spearheading the production of non-recyclable plastics but also of perpetuating a disinformation campaign through decades of recycling propaganda. Austin’s legal team alleges that the corporations pushed a narrative of individual responsibility for plastic waste to deflect from their own responsibility for global pollution.
“I believed what my parents told me,” Austin lamented during a press conference while brandishing a spork for dramatic effect. "They said I could save my own future if I kept recyclables out of the trash. Every shampoo bottle, every yogurt cup, every takeout container—I rinsed them, peeled off labels, and placed them in the bin like a good boy. For ten years!"
Representatives for the petroleum cartel has denied responsibility, claiming their marketing campaigns were meant to “empower individuals.” The industry's Public Information Bureau issued a statement saying, “We are committed to addressing plastic concerns through innovative solutions like vaguely defined guidelines and stock photos of adorable sea otters.”
Austin's lawyers cite that only 9% of the world’s single-use plastic is recycled. The remaining 91% is discarded, ending in incineration, landfills, or polluting the environment. Mr. Houston is demanding restitution in the amount of $244 million, based on the average yearly salary of the top three oil CEOs, times ten.
"They stole my youth," Austin insists. "I want to get paid for all those hours of work when I could have been playing video games."