Moscow, RU — The heartbreaking speculation that swept across Russia over the weekend has been confirmed: Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin was not inside the Aurus Senat limousine that exploded and burst into flames in the early morning hours on Saturday.
The realization is still sinking in that the blackened car wasn't mobbed by celebrating Muscovites who then dragged Putin's charred and lifeless corpse into the street where it was showered with spit and urine. Hope has completely faded that rumors of his survival were erroneous.
"The President has not met his untimely demise," a Kremlin official announced to a disappointed and weeping crowd that held vigil outside FSB headquarters in Lubyanka Square. "I'm devastated," one ill-wisher admitted while openly sobbing. "It really tests your faith. You've got to wonder how a just God couldn't let this happen."
No candlelight memorial is planned for later this week and the dictator's family has not requested citizens make a charitable donation in Putin's name in lieu of not sending flowers.
Considering the world's current sociopolitical realities, it came as no real surprise that one of Putin's private vehicles exploded, but it is entirely unexpected that the car wasn't a Tesla.