Helsinki, FI — The startling rarity of anyone who gives a rat's ass is approaching a critical level, with industrialized nations reporting their lowest numbers in recent memory.
Finland's Institute for Global Enthusiasm believes drawn-out conflicts in Gaza and Ukraine, the global climate crisis, America's failing democracy, and a general feeling of helplessness worldwide have stretched the fragile supply chain of rat's ass to its breaking point.
IGE Spokesperson Dr. Glaus Halbvoll explains, "A major factor has been systematic conditioning by politicians and multinational corporations with a vested interest in a populace that doesn't give a rat's ass. The only real value in rat's ass is to give it. We can't imagine that anyone would be hoarding. It simply no longer exists."
Even in the shrinking number of locations where rat's ass is available in any measurable amount, supplies are usually rationed. West Virginia resident Dolores Blacklung describes her constant frustration. "By the time I find a place where a few people really do give a rat's ass, like women's shelters or food banks, there's already a line around the block. At this point, I'm desperate enough to join a sewing circle."
Rat's ass has, in fact, become such rare a commodity that counterfeiting is now widespread. People regularly feign giving a rat's ass by simply "liking" social media posts or giving a "thumbs up" on YouTube videos, but never making the leap to actual rat's ass.
Dr. Halbvoll warns, "First we observed a decline among people who give a damn. Giving a crap was next to drop. We'll be monitoring rat's ass very closely. If it reaches a point where nobody gives a flying fuck, we're predicting complete societal breakdown."