Washington, DC — During a tense briefing, Trump Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced what aides are calling a "major scientific milestone in comprehension," after videos consistently showing the president with his eyes closed during cabinet meetings. "There is absolutely no basis to claim the president is asleep," she said.
Instead, Leavitt insisted, Trump is "actively digesting security updates and economic reports" via AI-enhanced ocular implants described as fast, accurate, and "especially efficient for those who don’t open their eyes frequently."
Leavitt went on to claim, "These implants handle comprehension in real time," saying Trump's closed-eye appearance is merely "a neutral posture for processing large amounts of data."
One reporter pointed out that if the system can deliver information while the eyes remain shut, the entire briefing setup—tables, binders, charts, and carefully rehearsed talking points—becomes "a comical Kabuki performance starring everyone except the President."
"What's your point?" asked Leavitt before moving on to other topics.